Yesterday, we traveled to Columbus, GA to visit our doctor and have the 20 week ultrasound. I, of course, was feeling very nervous as usual, but Shawn assured me that everything would be fine. We left our house with plenty of time to spare (because of the gender testing fiasco) and got to the office about 10 minutes early. Good thing we left early because we hit road construction for about 15 minutes. Our ultrasound technician is AMAZING and she works so quickly and explains everything. We were able to hear little Charlie's heart beating once more: about 152 beats per minute. That's incredible....I can't believe their little hearts go so fast. We were so tickled during the ultrasound because Charlie had his legs crossed at the ankles and refused to reveal his private area. If this trip would have been the gender reveal, most likely we wouldn't have found out! He did some VERY cute things during the ultrasound: smacked his little mouth open and shut a few times and had his hand resting below his chin. I said, "look, honey! he's rubbing his beard:) " We're overwhelmed with how obvious it is that Charlie is a little human..... Life is such a miracle--at all stages of development. Our ultrasound ended and we took the results to our doctor. She happily informed us that everything looks great! Our little man is growing right on schedule and we couldn't be happier. If you haven't gotten a chance to see the photo on FB, are two of the 20 week ultrasound:
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| Charlie Mattison @ 20 weeks |
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| Feet crossed and not budging! |
We are so grateful that his development seems to be progressing on schedule. I can feel more and more movement every day-- he moves around during the day and sleeps at night.(which could prove to be very beneficial for me!) I love feeling his little feet kick me--right now he's feet up near my belly button and head down. I'm sure these movements are gonna become uncomfortable at some point, but they remind me that he's alive and kicking! haha:)
One a more serious note, during this pregnancy I have had some terrible dreams. Each of my dreams that I've had have been of me losing a loved one. I wake up crying and out of sorts, terrified in general. Now I know that dreams don't always signify certain things and sometimes they can just be the result of eating too much before bed! But I've really been processing these dreams in my head and I've realized that I have a VERY big sin and fear that this pregnancy has brought to light. I'm terrified of losing people I love and not being in control. The fear that I have of losing Charlie is extremely real, as is the fear that I have of losing someone in my family. I worry constantly about my husband, my nephews and niece, brothers and sisters, grandmas, and mom and dad. My worries have doubled now that I have in-laws that I cherish like my own parents and grandparents. When we experienced Whit's emergency during his 3rd week of life, I was a wreck. It took me about 4 months to bring myself to hold a newborn again. I didn't realize that anxiety in my heart was causing me to react a certain way and to doubt the sovereignty of our Almighty God and to rest in His goodness. This sin is controlling my thoughts and I believe, sneaking its way into my subconscious in the form of nightmares.
I'm telling you all this because #1, I need to confess this sin. I know all mothers worry--- that it's just something we do. But, worry is debilitating my life in many areas and causing me to live without joy. #2, I want to be at peace with God and the path He has for my life- knowing that He really is looking out for my best interest, and the interest of my family- because we love Him and He is good and He is for us. #3, I want to hide God's word in my heart (especially verses about anxiety and God's sovereignty) that I can rest on His truth and so that I will not sin against Him. #4. I want the best for our baby. It is not best for Charlie that worry while he's in the uterus, or that I suffocate him by sheltering him from everything when he's growing up in this world. My heart must change to trust that Charlie is God's- first and foremost. Shawn and I are stewards of what God has given to us. We will protect, love, nurture, and discipline Charlie, and admonish him in the ways of the Lord--but ultimately, He is the Lord's. I know this to be true in my spirit, and through the word- now I just need to daily remind myself.
If you've read thus far, you are dedicated to our little family in some way and I thank you for your support. I ask that as a gift to us, that you would pray for us and my heart especially. If you would like, please feel free to leave a verse on which we would be able to meditate. Thank you for taking the time to be involved in our lives, to watch our little boy grow, and to pray for us. We love you all!
Jaclyn, Shawn and Charlie Mattison
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